


4 Times Zlatan Is a Terrifying Father-in-Law + 1 Time Kun Realized That He Actually Isn't

by mm_nani



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Closet Players, Dad!Ibra, Father-in-Law Terrorizing, M/M, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 16:09:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9769733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm_nani/pseuds/mm_nani
Summary: Kun wasn't expecting the extra family member when he started dating Leo





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blindbatalex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindbatalex/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [Четыре раза, когда Златан вёл себя, как ужасный тесть, и один раз, когда Кун осознал, что это не так](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13495796) by [fytbolistka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fytbolistka/pseuds/fytbolistka), [WTF_Ibraxwell_2018](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTF_Ibraxwell_2018/pseuds/WTF_Ibraxwell_2018)
  * Translation into 中文 available: [有四次兹拉坦是一个吓人的岳父，而一次阿坤了解到并非如此](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15673356) by [L_Galina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_Galina/pseuds/L_Galina)



> Happy Valentine's Day, bitch. I spent 4 hours writing this yesterday instead of studying because I don't like being upstaged by cute Valentine making mutuals. Not beta'd because you are my beta, so enjoy my tense jumps and missing paragraphs probably. I will correct grammar at some point...maybe.
> 
> General Note: Kun is divorced like canon but Messi's love life has never existed because this is fiction and I can do that. Serious quality sacrifice for speed.

Once upon a time there was a young man who had just joined one of the greatest football clubs in the world.

 

While it turned out to be a disappointing experience, there was a silver lining to this horribly grey cloud:

 

For it is in this mighty (but dreary) club that he met an even younger man. This man, tiny as he was, was one of the most talented players the first man had seen.

Off the pitch the younger man reminded him of the cutest, smolest birb he had ever seen.

A kind of feeling had bloomed in his chest that he couldn’t quite name at the time.

A few weeks later when he had slung his arm around the cute, smol birb because he needed an armrest while conversing with another player a feeling hit him squarely in the chest. When the smaller, younger man had burrowed slightly into his side there was a clarity that he had felt only twice before in life.

With an unwavering certainty he thought.

_Yes, this is my son_

That young man was Zlatan Ibrahimović and this is the story of how he had become a father for the third time to one tiny Lionel Messi.

But really, this is the story of how that made the life of yet another young man very difficult.

 

1.

Kun woke up to a crazy string of his bell ringing.

 

_Ring. Riiiing._

He turned around in his sleep, burrowing under the sheets. It will stop eventually

_Riiiiiiiingggg._

Just a few more secon-

_RIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGG!!!!_

 

He squinted against the light streaming through the crack in his curtain and cursed. Whoever wanted his attention on a Saturday morning, the morning of his rare off day, was relentless. He pulled on a shirt and tightened the drawstrings of his pyjama pants. It was unlikely to be a rude reporter- they weren’t that bold- but he didn’t want to chance being caught on camera with his pants down.

A giant blur rushed past him as soon as he had opened his front door.

‘ARE YOU REALLY DATING MY SON?!?’ The blur bellowed.

Still groggy it took Kun a while to figure out what the blur was.

‘Zlatan?’

‘Well? Stop standing there like an idiot and answer the question.’

‘Zlatan, your son is like four. That’s gross and illegal.’

‘They are eight and ten and I _meant_ the other one. The small bird.’

Kun had no idea what Zlatan was talking about. Kun knew whom he was dating. But there was no way Zlatan knew whom he was dating. He didn’t want to out him in case Zlatan was on one of his crazy fits. But the small bird description fit alarmingly well. Kun himself had felt that way many a times.

‘Zlatan, it’s still early can you get to the point, please?’

‘Early?! I have been running for one hour already and I have taekwondo in 20 minutes. And you’re still sleeping????? You call yourself worthy of Leo????’ 

‘Leo? You’re talking about Leo?’ Kun isn’t sure where to direct his panic. That Zlatan knows he’s dating Leo or that Zlatan is angrily swishing about in his house over it.

Zlatan’s disapproving look intensifies. It makes Kun feel infinitely stupid. Why does he feel like he’s facing an in-law?

Kun continues ‘How do you know this? It was Leo’s idea to keep it a secret.’

‘Maxwell overheard it from Angel talking to Rojo on the phone.’

‘How do _they_ know?’ Kun wants to bang his head. But he’s slightly afraid that if he’s not standing very straight and looking Zlatan right in the eyes, he will be killed. 

‘I don’t know, they’re your squad. Have you been making moon eyes at each other since you were fifteen?’

‘Wait! How do you know THAT?’

‘Maxwell overhead Angel-

-talking to Rojo on the phone. I get the picture.’

‘No, Angel was facetiming Mascherano.’

 

They’re all discussing him and Leo?? Sure he’s heard the occasional lewd comment or two. But there’s a giant Swedish man in his house and Kun is still not sure what the ending to this visit holds. He hopes that Zlatan doesn’t hit his legs or his face.Those Argentinian fools could at least be discreet about it. Keep it within one country.

Leo’s going to kill him. It was Kun's idea to have sex in the locker room.

‘So you are dating then?’ Zlatan cuts into his thoughts

‘Yes.’ Kun admits reluctantly. If Leo gets mad, Kun can just get mad in turn. This is Leo’s busybody friend after all. Maybe. He thinks he's a friend at least. Zlatan still looks like he could throw a punch any second.

‘And he’s just some dirty secret to you is he?’ Zlatan’s entire face is so scrunched in disapproval that it’s impossible to see that there’s a face in there at all.

 ‘Ye-WHAT? Excuse ME. If it were up to me I would throw a coming out party. Leo is the private one! I’m the dirty secret!! ME. VICTIM.’ It wasn’t exactly true but Kun _had_ wanted to tell their families and the squad. But Leo had only panicked and thrown up at the idea. Kun backed off.

‘Well…good you’re not in charge then. Coming out party sounds stupid.’

Kun is going to get whiplash from how Zlatan is going back and forth on his opinions on this being out and proud thing. He is starting to get the feeling that no matter what, Zlatan would not approve of him.

Zlatan puts his hands on his hips and lets out a big sigh. He approached towering above Kun and he feels slightly terrified. He hopes it’s not showing.

‘I’ll be honest. I don’t like you. If you liked my baby from age fifteen I don’t see how a man can just hide his passion. And then marry a woman. You are so ashamed and so confused. Why are you so confused? But Leo is passionate about you, it seems. So I am ready to try this out. I clobber you on the pitch and I have no qualms about clobbering you off it either.’

Kun isn’t sure how he’s supposed to react to all the words that just left Zlatan’s mouth. He wants to grumble about how Leo has a child too. One thing sticks though:

‘Wait, you think Leo is passionate about me?’ He can feel the stupid smile come on, tries to suppress it. He’s glad that Zlatan’s back is to him as he’s heading out the door, ‘how do you know? Did he say something?’

Zlatan turns dramatically pausing before he says, ‘A father always knows,’ and  then stalks out the door like the mystical enigma that he is.

 

Suddenly Kun notices something else.

 

‘Wait did you just call Leo your baby?’ but his front door had already slammed.

 

2.

 

Leo is an absolute nightmare before games. Almost inconsolable, Kun has no idea how Leo goes from being a nervous wreck to literal creator of magic seconds within touching the field. But he’s the cutest after games. All tired and sore, cuddling up against Kun and complaining about his muscles till Kun offers to give him a massage.

 

Not that Kun isn’t sore also but Leo always offers back after and when Kun feels like it, massages are a great transition into sex. So yes, Kun even likes massaging Leo after games.

 

Spoiling Leo is his favorite thing.

 

Kun is proud of how whipped he is.

 

For some odd reason, tonight Leo has tucked himself into the covers of the other bed in their shared hotel room. Kun feels a little bereft in his boxers, so far away from Leo.

 

He’s patiently watching the TV on low volume like he always does but the silence between them stretches for more than an hour.

 

‘Sweetheart, what are you doing all the way over there?’

Leo looks at him sourly but doesn’t say anything.

 

‘Wait, are you mad at me?’

 

Leo pulls the cover over himself.

 

‘You are mad at me!’

 

Kun scrambles to put a shirt on before joining Leo on the other bed. Leo turns his face and Kun climbs on top of him, ‘I’m not moving till you talk to me.’

 

To be honest, Kun is a little annoyed. Leo was fine during their game, even winked at him in the locker room when he was stripping out of his shirt. Kun’s heart had almost stopped and he’d looked around frantically to see check if their teammates had noticed.

 

Kun was so sure he’ll be getting some tonight.

 

Of course, the bigger problem is that his love is angry. He presses kisses into Leo’s hair, the only visible part of him ‘C’mon, sweetheart. Talk to me.’

 

After a slight pause a little phone pops out of under the covers. It’s a picture of Kun and a woman laughing together. She looks familiar but Kun isn’t sure who she really is.

 

‘Keep swiping.’ Leo mumbles from beneath the covers.

 

There’s a grand total of three pictures of Kun with a different woman in each. Kun doesn’t remember any of them. It’s driving him mad.

 

‘Babe, I don’t know who these people are.’

 

‘You don’t even remember them?’ Leo emerges from the covers all at once, sitting up, ‘Is this because of long distance. Are you...unsatisfied?’

 

‘Unsatisfied with what?’

 

Leo suddenly grabs his cock, but not in the sexy way that Kun’s been dreaming about the whole day. Leo looks so angry and Kun is afraid that his dick will be yanked off his body.

 

‘Babe! I’m not sleeping with these women! Where’d you even get these photos? I must have met them and forgotten.’

 

Leo wails like he’s in a lot of pain, ‘I want to believe you Kun! But you left me once, already!’

 

Kun’s goddamn failed marriage is going to haunt him forever.

 

He grabs Leo by the shoulder and steadies him, looking into his eyes, ‘Leo, look at me! I don’t care about these women. I don’t know who they are!’ He grabs the phone again to see who sent the pictures.

 

It says Zlatan and an ominous _Does he tell you everything he’s up to?_ Text right beneath the three photos.

 

‘Babe, I think these photos are cropped.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘There’s a third person in all these photos, look!’ He points at the shoulders and arms of a third person clearly cut out of the picture.

 

‘These must be someone’s girlfriend or date I’ve met. Probably Gündoğan. God Bless his soul but he is unable to keep to a woman for more than three days.’

 

Leo scratches his head, ‘Okay...I defended you, you know.’

 

Kun scrolls down to see a long spiel by Leo defending his honor and loyalty. Kun feels touched and a little miffed at succinct _Ok_ that Zlatan sent after Leo’s rant.

 

Where did Zlatan even get these pictures, these are like private pictures from someone’s phone.

 

He’s suddenly worried about the nudes of a sleeping Leo he took in secret.

 

‘...Kun?’

 

‘Yeah?’ He asks distracted.

 

‘I said can you forgive me for doubting you?’

 

Kun nods, only happy to put everything behind them.

 

3.

 

Kun’s hears from the grapevine that Leo had to leave Barca practice early because he’s sick.

 

Leo never tells Kun when he’s having a hard time. If Leo is complaining then it means Kun needs to buy tickets to Barcelona. That has happened only once in the entirety of their lives. So he’s gotten Mascherano to be his grapevine and now he knows things about his boyfriend that his boyfriend won’t tell him.

 

He feels secretly evil as he calls Leo, reads right through Leo trying to hide his cough and says, ‘Babe, I don’t care how well you think you are, you should take off practice and take some rest.’

 

Leo finally lets himself cough, ‘I’m that obvious, huh?’

 

‘I always know when something’s up with you.’ Kun whispers into the phone. He can just imagine the blush creeping up Leo’s neck.

 

‘I know, you always take care of me.’

 

_Do you want chicken or fish with your porridge?_

 

A familiar, deep male voice.

 

It can’t be possible.

 

 _I’d like chicken please!_ Leo answers back

 

‘Sorry babe, Zlatan is here and he’s making me dinner and food for three more days it seems like.’ Leo laughs and Kun can hear a deep timbre in the background, ‘I should go and help him out.’ Leo says before hanging up.

 

Kun stares dumbstruck at his phone for a few minutes.

 

How did Zlatan even end up in Barcelone?

 

He sends a few _I love you_ texts and a selfie of them from the last time they were together to Leo just in case.

 

Leo replies with hearts

 

4.

 

Leo is visiting for Valentine’s Day and Kun is on cloud nine. He loves spending time with Leo whether or not they’re centred around their training schedules and international breaks. But there’s something special about the times when they’re purposefully planned like this. When Leo is somewhere just because Kun is there.

 

Kun can pretend for precious moments that they are the only two people in the world and that their decisions about their lives are made solely for the relationship.

 

Leo kisses him as soon as the front door is closed, dropping his bag at the entrance. Kun hates the hour that Leo has spent alone in Manchester, arriving and travelling by himself to the house. If it was up to Kun he would buy a ticket just to receive Leo at the gate with a big bouquet of flowers.

 

Leo’s giant bouquet is now set on his dining table along with two dinner plates. He notices when they finally part, ‘Kun, these are so beautiful.’ Leo shyly uncovers a rose he’s been holding behind his back. It’s slightly crumpled but Kun’s heart beats faster at the sight.

 

Gosh, they’re both so sappy.

 

Kun let’s Leo take the lead on what they should do. Leo decides to watch a movie before dinner. Which Kun knows is his way of saying: _we should just make out._

 

He puts on a movie that they’ve seen before, so he can just pull Leo closer into a kiss as soon as it starts.

 

He reluctantly pulls away when Leo’s stomach grumbles. Leo keeps trying to pull him back.

 

‘If your stomach grumbles any louder I’ll be afraid you’ll try to eat me.’

 

‘Mmmm.’ Leo kisses down his neck and bites his collarbone, ‘Sounds delicious.’

 

Kun laughs as he’s finally mustered the courage to leave Leo behind on the couch, ‘Idiot.’

 

He’s just finished putting their dinner in the oven to heat up when:

 

‘Hey doesn’t Zlatan live close to here?’

 

Kun doesn’t need reminding. Zlatan has procured his phone number from somewhere and since then he hasn’t slept past 6am. Zlatan will text him right at 5:30 am on all his off days telling him to run. Kun wants to facepalm when he realizes. They’re running _buddies_ now.

 

‘Yeah, why?’

 

‘Well look at this cute picture that Zlatan sent our group.’

 

‘Group? What group?’

 

‘Our Barca GroupMe.’

 

Kun wants to know why Zlatan is still in a Barca GroupMe but truth be told he’s not surprised. The man stalks Leo like his life depends on it. He’s infinitely glad that Zlatan is not part of the Argentina squad GroupMe. Kun immediately realizes that the squad does not have a GroupMe. He’s suddenly not so sure that Zlatan wouldn’t be in it if it existed. He shudders just thinking about it.

 

Leo finds him in the kitchen and shows him his phone. It is a picture of Zlatan making a sad face with a heart cookie broken in half.

 

‘Helena is in Sweden for work.’ Leo explains. Kun narrows his eyes disapprovingly even before the next words come out of Leo’s mouth, ‘We should invite him over.’

 

Stupid, kind, _naive_ Leo.

 

Zlatan probably created Helena’s Swedish work so he could butt into their date.

 

However, Kun doesn’t think telling Leo that Zlatan is trying to break them up will work.

 

‘Kun?’ Leo’s waving his hands in front of Kun’s face, ‘Are you still here?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Great! I’m glad you agreed because I already invited him.’ Kun finally understands what Sterling’s ‘I want to be swallowed by a hole in the ground’ means.

 

Suddenly Leo looks very shy, ‘He’s always kind of been a father figure to me? He’s kind of young so maybe like an older brother.’ Kun can tell Leo thinks very highly of Zlatan, ‘And I’ve always wanted to introduce you two properly. I think he feels unsettled that you’re not committed to this relationship.’

 

Kun wants to shout _Tell me about it_ but can’t find the heart to interrupt Leo’s cute monologue.

 

‘He just needs to see for himself that we’re perfect for each other,’

 

Kun’s throat catches with what Leo just said.  
  
_They’re perfect for each other_.

 

Zlatan looks a little confused and maybe even a little disappointed when Kun opens the door with a smile.

 

+1

 

They’re little truce at Valentine dinner has apparently not spread to the next morning since Zlatan’s message to run together arrives at 5:30 am faithfully.

 

Kun groggily rises, kissing Leo back to sleep when he stirs and makes to get up alongside Kun. He looks longingly at Leo and the morning sex that couldn’t be before slowly changing into his running gear. Zlatan is warming up a block from his house and Kun jogs to meet him.

 

‘Ready, kid?’

 

Kun bristles. Maybe he’s tired from trying so hard to please Zlatan last night, maybe he’s tired of being ridiculed and called childish names, maybe he can’t stand the United headband the man insists on wearing every single morning but Kun kind of...bursts.

 

‘Hey, _man_. What’s your big problem? You’re following my boyfriend around like some guard dog, acting all worried about his well being but I’m the one who’s supposed to be worried! You’re trying to control his life and he’s always justifying his choices- _me-_ to you. I **_love_** Leo. Did you hear that? I LOVE HIM. And he loves  _ME._ So you either get that through your thick Swedish skull and accept it or you back the fuck off. Because I swear I will not let anything, _anything_ get between me and Leo.

 

Zlatan looks at him without any expression for a few seconds before his face breaks into a smile.

 

‘First time you say you love him.’ Zlatan says before he starts his jog.

 

‘I say I love him all the time.’ Kun starts after him.

 

‘Not as a joke for reporters.’

 

‘It’s never a joke.’ Kun murmurs. Zlatan looks at him as best as he can while they’re running. He looks a little guilty.

 

‘I know it’s not as easy for you and Leo as it is for Helena and I. I just want my kid to have the best love he can ever have.’

 

‘I’ll give it to him.’ Kun says, serious. A promise. Zlatan nods and they run in silence for a few minutes.

 

‘So it worked? My speech worked? You’re convinced?’ Kun says hardly able to believe it.

 

Zlatan laughs, ‘No. Your speech was very stupid. But Leo is always defending you and I can see he loves you so I decide to give you a chance. This is the only reason why I run with Pep’s trash.’

 

‘Wait so the running is-

 

‘-Friendship, yes.’

 

_‘Oh’_

  
  



End file.
